names katie.
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comment with your name and age, and one thing that inspires you [think photograph, quote, song, lyric, etc], and then add.



Writer's Block: Take me back

Is there any song that reminds you so much of an ex-partner that you can't stand to hear it? Details, please.

The entirety of Cut Copy's 'In Ghost Colors', but particularly 'Strangers in the Wind', 'Voices in Quartz', and 'Hearts on Fire'. Also mostly everything by Daft Punk, but especially 'Something About Us'. 'Gypsy' by Fleetwood Mac. Queen's 'You're my Best Friend'. 'Dirty Pennies' by Erik Petersen from Mischief Brew. Justice's remix of MGMTs 'Electric Feel'.

...A good quarter of my itunes I usually avoid because of him, actually. Most of my strongest memories of him play with a soundtrack, and I don't elect to listen to that soundtrack any more than absolutely necessary. Its too bittersweet and it sets me back every time I do it. Him and I were - and still are - very passionate about music. Any music, as long as its brilliant. We were and are the only people who could ever keep up with us as far as music goes. We would spend HOURS downloading music and sifting through it, discovering new stuff together and having heated conversations about obscure or forgotten bands and brilliant but virtually unknown tracks while our friends looked at us like we were out of our minds. If one of us found something amazing on our own, the first thing we did when we saw each other next was play it and watch with satisfaction as it impressed the hell out of the other. Like everything else, there was a hint of competition. So most of that I don't listen to anymore.

And then theres the classics, which were fine before him, but then we'd be having some sort of moment, and he would put his headphones on me and just play a song. We communicated through music. One time, after getting fucked over by his ex while we were in New York, he lost it and told me he wanted to go to Philly, because NY reminded him of her too much. So we went to Philly. He ended up having a for shit day anyway, but on the way back to NY, on the bus, he just looked over at me, smiling a disarmingly genuine smile (very, very few people in his life have ever seen that look on him) and handed me his headphones. He said, "I want to play something for you," and put on 'You're my Best Friend' by Queen, and left it at that. Which was doubly brilliant of him, because he knows that I have a special place in my heart for Queen.
...Its a rare thing for me to listen to that song anymore. It makes my heart all achy.

Writer's Block: When push comes to shove

What can be done to promote tolerance and stop bullying in schools?

Parents. Parents giving a shit about their kids and showing them that tolerance is the best way. That it is wrong to put religious doctrine or personal prejudices before the happiness and well being of another person, regardless of how that person my differ from you or what you believe in.
As far as the suicides that have happened particularly among gay or suspected-gay kids recently, the ONLY way that is ever going to end is if all the adults in these kids lives (the bullies, the victims, and everyone else) stop showing them that its not okay to be gay and it is okay to make life a living hell for anyone who is because 'god says so'.
As far as I can tell, the only way to end any of this is to teach your child tolerance. Fuck sheltering them, and bollocks to 'they're too young'. Obviously not, when middle schoolers are bullying each other to death. What can be done is to expose kids to different kinds of people from birth, and rather than point to the differences, point to the similarities.

...I had a friend, back in middle school and the first little bit of high school, who was just discovering she was rather more interested in girls than boys. Her family was pretty religious, and I just happened to be the first girl this friend of mine was interested in. Her parents found out one way or another, and they had never liked me from the beginning. Said I was a bad influence, looked at me like I was somehow dirty when I came into their house, discouraged their daughter from associating with me. After they found out, of course, it wasn't an awful lot better. I was in no way interested in their daughter, but somehow I think they still rested part of the blame for their daughters 'defection', so to speak, on me. I think they somehow saw me as their daughters bridge to the dark side. I was never overly subtle about not really buying into their whole conservative baptist crap, and they were well aware of that. Her mom, especially, had a problem with me, I think. Her and I weren't so much drifting apart as really just falling apart. I couldn't handle caring about her when she was so fucking timid around her parents. Her mother frequented a video rental store where my best (then and to this day) friend's mom worked. This girls mom, Tracey, her name was, literally would go into the video store and tell my best friends mother how I was a horrible influence and couldn't be trusted. She smeared my name and my character to my best friends mother, and I wasn't even really hanging out with her daughter anymore. She called me the anti-christ. I shit you not. She told my best friends mother that I was the goddamn spawn of satan because I somehow influenced her poor innocent daughter to stand up for herself, even though that plan didn't work and it took her years to finally stand up to her bitch of a mother. Thank god me and my best friend were on the same page as far as everything under the sun is concerned, and she didn't have a problem telling her mother just where Tracey could shove her bullshit.

Its parents like Tracey who cause this kind of thing. I was never bullied by kids in school, and I was never bullied for being mostly-not-definably-straight. I was bullied by parents, for having an open mind and being friends with their children, who they wanted nothing more than to keep closed-minded. Which I think really says a lot about this whole situation. Bigotry is learned, and instead of laying all the blame on the kids who do the bullying (who certainly deserve some of it, don't get me wrong), I think people really need to reassess what they are teaching their children. This is a problem with parents and media and religious leaders and politicians who are showing kids every day that its NOT okay to be different, its NOT okay to ask questions, its NOT okay to tolerate people who are different from yourself. Its far bigger than a middle school in the heartland. Its the toxic environment in this country that causes kids to be bullied to death. Its adults showing kids through their actions that people who are different (gay, muslim, black, athiest, transsexual, poor, etc, etc, etc) are more DIFFERENT than the same, and should be kept separate, treated differently, and allowed less or different things than anyone who is 'normal' (read: white, middle class, straight, christian).

In short, what can be done is this; promote tolerance. Look beyond the schools and into the world around you. Promote tolerance. Stop bullying. Take a close, realistic look at your views, the things you say, the things you tolerate being said around you, the people you vote for, and ask yourself if you are contributing to bullying and intolerance, or doing what you can to stop it.

(no subject)

okay kids. its been a while.

i have no home. i have no internet. i have no transportation. i have no job to acquire any of these things.

don't really know when i'll be updating this for real, but i am NOT gone for ever. i promise. have some half decent shit to put in here when i get a real chance to just sit and chill on the internet.

story about a girl.

god damn am i sick of all these people
people who like to say 'no no, i totally get what you mean.'
people who like to say 'i know how you feel.'
i'm sick of the people who lie to me and give me hope
that someone out there actually really does get it,
because its not the ones who say it that you have to look out for
its the ones who show you
who make you believe it.
they're the ones that really get your hopes up the highest
and they're also the ones to let you down the hardest.

people always say to me 'you remind me of taylor, only quieter.'
taylor and i's relationship can only be summed up as unhealthy.
i hate her because she is everything i don't like about myself.
i hate her because she and i are exactly the same,
only i'm quieter and have a better vocabulary.
i hate her because looking back maybe it wasn't that she was copying everything about me,
maybe we were just thinking the exact same things at the exact same times.
i was best friends with her for a year, and that was the year i realized just how horrible a person i could actually be.
i had a sordid love affair with her boyfriend.
i lied to her.
i manipulated her.
i used her trust in me to my advantage, like a tactic in a war, rather than something sacred between friends.
EVERYTHING was a competition between us.
that was the year everyone else in our lives became something taylor and i could use against one another. pawns in our grand chess game, our endless quest for the checkmate that just would not fucking come.
that was the year the ONLY thing on either of our minds was how to out-do the other, because being better than one another was the one thing that made us truly happy.
before i totally ruin my own reputation, let me say this;
taylor and i bring out the worst in one another.
all those things i did, she did right back as hard as she possibly could, with the exception of the sordid love affair. that was my constant secret knowledge that she could never beat me, no matter what she did or how hard she fought. our backstabbing wasn't obvious. she still doesn't know about half the shit i did to her, but then i still don't know half the shit she did to me. i have always been more clever than taylor, but she is a mastermind when it comes to sabotage. as much as we worked against each other, we also made a fantastic team. i was clever and she was quick, i was logical and she was over-the-top. when taylor and i wanted to make something happen, we made it happen.
keep in mind that while we were secretly attempting to destroy each others lives, we were partying together, having deep conversations together, starting traditions together, setting trends in out hometown together, going on drives, listening to music, doing drugs, drinking coffee, staying up all night, cooking outrageous meals, coming up with crazy schemes... our friendship was never fake. we absolutely loathed each other in the same moments that we could never picture ourselves being as close to anyone else.
taylor and i, for all intents and purposes, are the same person. i'm more subtle, shes more outgoing, i'm smarter, she's more spontaneous. we have our differences, but they are few and far between in comparison to our similarities.

the reason why i say this, is i think that she is one of the only people in my real life who can say 'i know how you feel' and actually mean it. shes one of the only people that can say 'i totally get it' and actually totally get it. its ironic, really. our relationship was turbulent and unhealthy and totally genuine at the same time. she has this ability to pull off this totally impossible mix of cold, calculating, backstabbing and fake, but at the same time genuine, interesting, decent and understanding.

it makes no fucking sense, but then shes never been one to make sense about anything. what she says makes no sense, what she does makes no sense, but if you knew her you would just shrugs, sigh, and say 'makes sense. its taylor.'

our relationship made no sense, but at the same time was perfectly understandable, considering the players.

i am a good friend. i am a great listener, i am loyal to a fault, i love my friends like i love my family, but taylor and i had a relationship that simply cannot be judged on normal standards. i was all of those things with her, but i was her worst enemy too. her and i, i think, fought against each other in order to avoid having to fight against ourselves, if that makes sense.

its ironic, to me, that i'm figuring out that maybe she got it right. shes moving around from city to city, 8 months here, a year there, doing what she wants to do and fuck everyone else. i'm more loyal, shes braver. when i think about what i need to be doing with my life right now to maintain my sanity, i think maybe taylor figured out the formula. its ironic, because taylor, while completely embodying my insanity, actually maintained my sanity.

i hate her. i hate her because i hate to admit that i don't hate her. i hate her for being everything i love and hate about myself shoved under a microscope and forced in my face.

i miss you.

we sat in your bedroom at your parents house, watching the warriors and talking about the trains like nothing ever happened
like we haven't spent the last 6 months living our mutual life vicariously through prepaid envelopes and plexiglass
you said, you look sexy as hell with a cigarette in your mouth
and i smirked, too bad your all celebate now eh?
i don't know what all you put in that shit, some cayenne pepper and seasoning salt and ramen flavoring shit and taco seasoning, baked beans and leftover kfc, but somehow it worked out well enough to totally kick my tastebuds' asses. even though my brain was on fire and i only ate half the bowl, i did like it. i promise.
i missed you something fierce while you were gone, missed listening to shitty ass rave music and laying on our stomachs on someones bedroom floor eating one of those jumbo bags of peanut m&ms. peanut m&ms are kind of our thing. i feel like we have a lot of those. "things," that is. peanut m&ms, train yards, that bridge in NYC, burger king, boise, marbs, peaches [the singer, not the food], cracktorrent, 7-11... i could probably go on all day. and that, i'm NOT exaggerating on. we really do have a lot of 'us' "things", if you know what i'm saying. so much fucking historys been made in the last 3 years.
enter you, in a towel and nothing else, dripping wet: its okay mom, we've like, lived together and totally seen-
exit your mother, hands over her ears, eyes screwed shut: LALALALALALA i don't want to knowww
pan left to me, laying on your bed laughing hysterically.
i'll stay in this hole of a state for you. as i sat there cross-legged, we were listening to MIA and i was talking about how i needed to get back to the city and you said
you can't.
i asked you why not? i love the city. the northwest makes me all depressed in the winter.
don't leave me. you said, almost too quietly.
i wouldn't, you know. even though you left me. now that you're back, i would put my life on hold for you, because my days aren't as bright without you in them. its like having my other half re-attatched. being without you was like being without my right arm, without my siamese twin or something.
i skipped around like an idiot on crack when i heard your voice on the phone, and i still feel like a kid on christmas morning.
after i left your house to head back to mine, i met a woman on the ferry. she seemed so happy. she told me about her failed marriage that led her away from bellingham and down to salem, about her sister in bremerton, and about her husband of 16 years, who she still glows about. i could see it in her eyes. not the eyes of a 50-something woman with a tired old marriage with a husband she's bored of, but the eyes of a young woman who just discovered joy, who just found her prince after kissing her fair share of frogs.
she said to me,
never give up. he'll be there before you even notice him. he's probably right under your nose. my prince was. we were best friends for years, and then one day he kissed me. we're still together, and i love him more every day. so don't give up. one day you'll just see him, you know?
you took my face in your hands and said,
don't be jealous. i ditched a bunch of plans for you. i'll be up to see you in like 3 days. don't be sad. i'll miss you too, but don't be jealous. i'd rather just stay in this house and never leave, and have you never leave either. i don't want you to go.